Dull

I'm going out this weekend to a fancy dress thing at he enigma bar, about friggen time I go out! Should be good.

I am in a bit of a mood at the moment, the play I'm in sux big time but I'm bored so I'm doing it to kill time. Life is such a rolercoaster, I was on a bit of unstable ground with Jon last week, and now we are better than ever, some stability please!
Had the biggest fight ever with my mum the other day, like huge, I was so friggen scared. She kicked me out and lots of other stuff, that I really don't want to write about. I'm now reading some self help books, and taking herbal tablets for my depression. If that doesn't work, I'm gonna go back on the medication, I just want control of myself and be able to cope with life.

I'm still a bit lonely, I don't need any more 'kinda friends', u know, that u only see now and than, and are never there when u need them. I just want a few good friends and ill be happy, all I have is Jon at the moment. I'm not gone continue to be friends with ppl that are inconsiderate or hurt me, I need to be strong and think of my well being first.

my problem is, I meet people who I WANT to be close to and those are the people that don't see that they are actually quite hurtful, yet I always go back because, how do I explain it... I guess you could say I want them, as in I keep longing for them to include me and make me part of their lives, but that never happens and it hurts more every time they reject me. Maybe I am just really insecure, I can admit I have issues, but I don't think I am so screwed up that I don't deserve some tenderness. you know?

and than there are the people that appear to be sweet and kind, and nice to everyone. God its irritating, u think, 'they are so nice, they will listen to me when I'm sad, or include me' but when it counts they are never there, they are to pre occupied with making sure EVERYONE is their friend, that they cant give any substantial friendship to anyone.

lol, my cousin is a better friend to me than any one else I know, how sad.

Why cant I just be, at the least, on equal footing with my friends? They are always above me, I'm just saying g goodbye to these people, it crushes me to try so hard to be a good friend and get fake sweetness in return, no real warmth...

I kinda want to press fast forward on life, just skip it all, its like a never ending pit.

I know people probably think I am always winging, or that I expect to much, this isn't the case, I just try so hard, and am pushed away, and come back so many times that I am finaly sick of it and I have to say this stuff, I am only venting it on the net though, so its not really doing any good, its not like my friends will read it and understand what I mean, so ill probably be right back to trying again.

I feel like I have a force field around me, and its cold, I long to just have some intimacy in my life, not romantically, just people I know, my friends, my family, I want to be able to have some one to hug, to talk to, to email, to be close to. But I chase these people around in the hopes they will finaly include me, but I constantly see my friends out together without me, hear of parties I'm not invited to, get stood up, get scheduled out, get ignored, and interrupted, drowned out...

I cant even explain it properly without sounding all sooky and self obsessed, its not like that, I just want to be loved in life, to be missed when I'm not there, to have a hug when I cry, to be someone's number one, or at least in the top 5.

I mean, how hard is it for people to sent an email, or make an extra call to invite me out as well on the weekend? Or return my friggen calls? Its just polite, I mean, if I call u, and you're not home, ring me the fuck back. geez, I feel invisible, quarantined, dead..

no ones gonna read this, so whets the point?
at least I know what I mean, and to a certain friend of late...
What I said to you is something that has been on my mind a while, you really hurt me on MSN, and made me feel like crap. I have been notably upset lately, and you being so terribly nice and caring should have seen that, I even tried to talk to you about it but you were more concerned with being all hyper and being the center of everyone's world that you dint even try to listen.
you do have a really easy life, I don't think you understand that other people have lots of obstacles to jump, and life is not like in the fairy tale books. Whets more, you act like you like me, lie I'm your friend, yet you go out with 13 year olds more than me, you never invite me to any of the things you do.

but I don't think you get it, I really think that you are being a bit shallow lately, you want to be everyone's favorite person, but then there isn't enough left over for your close friends. And please, don't go and say to some one 'are you Jacinta's friend?' than give them a huge hug, not every one is in love with you, please don't make my friend, who have never met you uncomfortably like that. I hardy have any friends as it is without you stealing them all, because half these people that you ring all the time I have know longer, yet you sweep through and every one is smitten with you.

I love you to death, but I need that to be returned, you are the person I thought would always be there, but there is just no sincere caring coming from you...
please just decide where you stand.